I had a dream, or rather a nightmare, last night.
We were burgled by a child, which we managed to catch, persecuted by one of the London terrorist suspect bomber, and I was pregnant and took the news very badly: I was depressed and felt like trapped in a cage. Even my parents were heart-less and treated me like a child almost ignoring my condition. I was happy to wake up and realise it was just a dream. There is no need to bother Freud to understand that this dream included some of my biggest fears. But I do not understand why my pregnancy scared me so much. My friend Laura yesterday emailed me saying that she had the same dream: I was pregnant (again), but in her dream I was happy and so my mum--which she found very strange.
I love children and I do want them one day (I always say that I would like both my own and adopted children). But not now. So, maybe it was the unplanned event which upset me. I perfectly see myself with toddlers and grown up kids, and I am fascinated by the gestation time and not scared by the delivery, because I find the most miracolous event in nature. But I have difficulties in seeing myself as a full time mum dealing full time with pooping babies. What I wonder is: is there a time when you know you are ready for this role?
I got up and with this dream in mind started tidying and cleaning the house up, I wrote a film review and did some food shopping, all these activities to try and erase that dream from my mind, but it is still there. So I tried to figure out how my daily life could be affected with a child next to me. But it's too hard to visualise it. I will have to wait and see.
Photo above: Julie, Den Haag, Netherlands, Feb 29. 1994 © Rineke Dijkstra
2 comments:
"But I have difficulties in seeing myself as a full time mum dealing full time with pooping babies. What I wonder is: is there a time when you know you are ready for this role?"
I don't think there ever was for me. I hardly conceptualized the idea of A BABY. I thought about them as older, the idea of raising CHILDREN. The daily trials of dealing with an acutal infant was something I gave little consideration to until I was actually pregnant. It was more of a theory, the idea of a baby. That we'd handle it well enough because Keven and I were in a position - in life, with regard to finances, in our marriage - where adding a child to the mix would not have toppled over some unsteady structure. We were solid, therefore we thought we could manage the dificulties and sacrifices of a baby. I think if I had known about the difficulties in more detail, or thought more seriously about the committment I was making, we might have held off a little longer or scared ourselves out of the idea.
But then, we got married after knowing each other for nine months, so "jumping in with both feet" is something Keven and I have done before, believing in a concept and each other without really needing to think through the details. I think this is only possible if you and your partner are VERY honest about limitations and abilities.
*Jumping in with both feet* is something that I tend to do as well. Fortunately, life (i.e. social/family conditionings) sometimes stopped me from doing it, and made me reflect. Now I am on the other side: over-thinking about some decisions.
In your situation, J+I were simply the perfect completion to your steady structure as a married couple.
Thanks for the caring advise. I will keep this word (*honesty*) in mind.
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